Acknowledging your relationship with yourself – letting the soft animal of your body love what it loves

Sometimes poetry because it speaks from an aesthetic point of view can be more real than ‘factual’ reality. You could think of ‘factual’ reality as living in the black and white world and living from an aesthetic point of view in the rich world of colour. If you haven’t watched the film Pleasantville this illustrates this beautifully.

The title is a line from one of Mary Oliver’s poems ‘Wild Geese’. You can find a lot of Mary’s poems by Googling her name, this one is from the book Dream Work. Here’s the poem:

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting over and over announcing your place in the family of things.

from Dream Work by Mary Oliver published by Atlantic Monthly Press © Mary Oliver

The line I like is ‘let the soft animal of your body love what it loves’ because when you do this it changes how you experience the world.

One of the problems people often talk to me about is that when things go wrong they wind up beating themselves up. Like when something goes wrong in their relationship, or when they are trying to get into a relationship with someone else and they get turned down or to use the worst metaphor or way of thinking it imaginable they ‘crash and burn’. This beating yourself up doesn’t make things better it makes you feel worse. Yet this has become such an ingrained habit for most people that they no longer have conscious control over this or realise that they can have control over this. In addition the normal schooling process and just growing up in western culture, the process of enculturation or the learning process of fitting in to your surroundings you learn to place your attention on what isn’t working and fix it. Remember all those mistakes they circled in red at school, that is what they were telling you to pay attention to, what wasn’t working, how you don’t get what you want.

So instead of beating yourself up just let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Here’s how you do this:

Pay attention to your body and how you feel. Whatever you feel acknowledge that and notice for what would make you feel better. That’s likely to be a treat like chocolate or your favourite biscuits or whatever it is you use to make yourself feel good… If it’s really bad you may be thinking about drowning your sorrows with alcohol or having a cigarette to relieve the stress. Whatever it is pay attention to that feeling. I’ve had people tell me that it feels like they have been wounded. You can even think of being given a hug. But what is really interesting is that when you do this you’ll start to feel better. NOT eating the chocolate or the biscuits or any of the other things. Simply letting the soft animal of your body love what it loves will change how you experience things.

From the neuroscience point of view what you are doing is letting the neurological cascade that you had started of bad feelings and emotions subside and replacing those toxic brain chemicals with good feelings, good brain chemicals that you generate yourself with your body, you create a new cascade of positive good feelings that washes away the bad toxic stuff.

Go on try it.

Next time you are feeling bad. Just stop. And let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

Is your relationship evolving or devolving?

Are you in a dependent relationship? This is the relationship that most people are in, probably you, even though you might not think of it as ‘dependent’. It’s just normal. You do certain things and your partner does certain things different to you. But they’re probably things you don’t like to do, or don’t feel comfortable doing. Like maybe they are the high energy fiery person and you are the chilled earthy person or vice versa. You probably think of these as complementary. That you complement each other in these ways. Which is probably how you got together. In addition to the sexual attraction there was just ‘stuff’ about the other person that you liked… All this complementary stuff.

You would say there is nothing wrong with this, that this is natural and normal. But unfortunately what is also natural and normal now is that around half the people who get married also get divorced. So beyond the commitment of living together, actually committing to spend the rest of your life together and committing to a marriage doesn’t work for about half of the people that commit to doing that.

So how does this happen? How come these people who want to spend the rest of their lives together change their minds? How come it doesn’t work for so many people?

I’ve worked with thousands of people both men and women, and I used to help the original Flirt Coach Peta Heskell run her flirting and attraction workshops and I’ve lost count of how many of those people told me that the reason that they were looking for a new relationship was their old relationship broke down because either the person I was speaking to had changed and no longer wanted to be with their partner or their partner had changed and because their partner had changed they no longer wanted to be with who their partner was now.

My reaction to this was: “How come if your partner changed you didn’t notice that they were changing or how come if it was you who changed your partner didn’t notice that you were changing?”

Unfortunately I knew the answer before they told me whatever they told me, even if they didn’t know themselves. Because it is how most people hold the representation of their relationships in their mind. And that is statically, they have a still representation.

If you’ve studied NLP you’ll know the idea that people make visual representations and these representations can have different characteristics or sub-modalities. And one of the visual sub-modalities is whether the image is moving or still. I’m actually talking about a more advanced version of this as the representation is held not just visually. But this is an easy way to think about this.

So how come one of the most important decision that you are likely to make in your life you are doing incorrectly?

If you are in a relationship now ask yourself how you think of your partner? If you had to describe them to someone else and it was totally ok to be completely open in expressing everything you feel how do you describe your partner? The reason for doing this is understanding that your language expresses how you think. And how you can get in touch with what is normally out of your conscious awareness is to talk to someone who has the skills to understand the structure of what you are saying. Because they can help you change the representation that you currently have which is highly likely to be still or static to something that is moving. Movement is one of the fundamental characteristics of life. If you want your relationship to be alive you have to nurture it so that it grows.

Are you taking more care of your garden and your plants rather than your relationship?

Next: How relationships evolve. From dependence to independence to interdependence.

YOU are the PROBLEM

It’s easier to want the other person in the relationship to change rather than you having to do all of the work.

It can be easy to go: “If they loved me, if they cared then they would know that I want things to be different.”

This mind-reading is actually an act of giving up responsibility. How you make progress, how you make things work is by taking responsibility for the results of your communication.

It’s one of the presuppositions of NLP, that the meaning of your communication is the response that you get. It’s all about owning your communication, and what’s interesting is I even see people trained in NLP not take responsibility for getting what they want in their relationships. In fact learning NLP can be a major cause of relationship break-up. One partner goes to a course and learns some really good techniques, but doesn’t teach their partner. In fact they come home and do the techniques to their partner. And their partner doesn’t particularly like it.

There’s a quote I like from to Woody Allen. He says that relationship is like a shark, it has to constantly move forward or it dies.

How most people conceptualise their partner they are in a relationship with is as something static. When they or their partner changes the accusations come out: “You’ve changed!!”

We’ll I would hope so. One of the signs of life is movement. And just like Woody Allen’s shark story, the relationship is dying when there is this lack of awareness of movement.

Another way of saying this is the awareness of growth. You may love your garden, you nurture it and watch it grow. But how come this relationship you treasure, you are not noticing for the growth?

Taking responsibility you intentionally notice for growth.

In which direction is the relationship growing?

Hopefully it is growing inwards and deepening. If it’s growing outwards it’s growing away from you.. Watch out!!

My friend was telling me how much she likes this old car she has with manual steering. She said she could really feel what the car was doing. She had the sense of the wheel in her hands connecting directly to the wheels and could drive with precision, feeling for every bump in the road and compensating easily.

This is how responsibility works. It’s having the feel for where you are going. AND knowing when you are going off course because you can feel that.

I’ve had people tell me that they didn’t know that their partner was seeing someone else. That they didn’t know things were going wrong. That they didn’t know the things that they were doing were the cause of the problems.

BUT looking back the signs were obvious.

How on earth could they miss these signs that they claim looking back were obvious?

The answer is they had gotten out of the driving seat, their hands weren’t on the wheel, they had no sense of where the relationship was going.

They had given up responsibility for where the relationship was going.

Why people laugh at Woody Allen’s line that relationship is like a shark, it has to constantly move forward or it dies. Is not because it is that funny, they laugh because they feel the recognition that their relationship is not moving forward and that scares them.

If your relationship isn’t moving forward, isn’t growing and deepening. You should be scared. That is your problem. And if you don’t sort it, their won’t be a relationship to sort.

Have a nice day

What I do in relationship mentoring

I work with both men and women who want to be in relationship and aren’t or who find the relationship there in is failing.

I’m not a pick up artist so I don’t teach seduction.

What I work with you around is all about attraction, how you can be attractive as your true authentic self to attract the person who is a natural fit and match for you.

Many people say that they aren’t attractive and not just women. A lot of men have told me is that the reason they became interested in learning seduction techniques was that they believed they were so unattractive that they had no other alternative.

Women know a lot about making themselves look beautiful on the outside but sometimes all that hard work doesn’t make them feel special enough on the inside where it really counts.

So both men and women end up compromising themselves for the relationship that happens that’s better than nothing. And then when that inevitably doesn’t work out whether that’s the morning after the night before or after the years of marriage there is the realisation that they’ve wasted all that time.

What I do is really simple. Yet in many ways extraordinarily profound. I teach you how to access the authentic inner you that is naturally attractive. And most important of all I teach you how to make good decisions based upon reawakening your intuitive good decision making skills.

I’m one of the few people in the world licensed to use the proprietary technology of the MythoSelf process. I’m also a trained hypnotherapist with a specialism in Self Relations Psychotherapy.

But I don’t put you in a trance, I wake you you from the trance you’ve been in, the negative trance filled with problems, and teach you to go where the problem is not.

Everyone has a natural attraction or charisma, but most people have learnt to hide this and hide it so well that they’ve forgotten where they’ve hidden it. As a baby or young child people just looked at you and smiled. The reason they smile is that recognition in themselves for something they’ve lost. Sometimes they have a warm and hearty and deep felt smile that comes with a laugh of recognition of reconnection to that. At other times it is a more wistful smile when they can’t get in touch with what it is that they’ve lost. What they’ve lost is the connection with what Roye Fraser called the Generative Imprint. In the November 1990 issue of Anchor Point magazine Roye describes his creation the Generative Imprint in the following way:

“Accessing the Generative Imprint can, in fact, be thought of as a philosophical experience at the highest level; it is spiritual or metaphysical. The Generative Imprint is enigmatic and elusive, and, at the same times carries with it an enormous drive. What it all adds up to is a feeling; as Source is actualized, there is an internal proprioceptive sensation. The resulting sensation serves as the INTENT which propels the individual to engage in behaviours that MOVE TOWARD outcomes aligned with the positive beliefs and values associated with the Generative Imprint.”

Joseph Campbell described the process as “following your bliss.” “If you follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you; and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. Wherever you are – if you are following your bliss you are enjoying that refreshment, that life within you, all the time.”

Roye Frasers student Dr. Joseph Riggio developed the Generative Imprint into the MythoSelf process which he taught to me. There is no one else teaching the Generative Imprint. When you learn how to reconnect to your Generative Imprint you regain access to that vital elixir, that life-force, the juice of life that powers your natural charisma and you become attractive.

Then when you connect that to understanding how through the process of enculturation you have learned to override your intuitive decision making process and reawaken that process recalibrating it so that it now works effectively you can not just attract someone who is right for you but know they are the right person for you. If you’re interested in working with me directly you can find out more here.